Yes, it’s true. I made a pie. It was this one, here:

I made it for Christmas, for my family. Like a normal person might do. I even created it under the loving tutelage of my mother, who refuses to do such things anymore but has no problem telling me how to do them.

And my family complimented the pie. “Wow, this is a good pie, Angie” “You made this, Angie?”

“Yeah, I made it. I’m good at cooking.”

Chocolate cream pie is about the easiest dessert to make. Ever. I guess pudding would be easier because that would have been the same recipe, just giving up halfway through. Regardless, here’s the recipe for (Angie’s Mom’s) Chocolate Cream Pie:

Ingredients:

• Two big boxes (or one big box and two small boxes) of Jell-O Chocolate Instant Pudding. It must be the instant kind. I’m not actually even sure why, but my mom is very adamant about it; don’t mess with mom’s instructions.
• Quart of whole milk.
• Two pints of Lucerne heavy whipping cream. Per mom: must be Lucerne brand, must be heavy whipping cream, not just regular.
• Half cup of sugar.
• Teaspoon (or “glug” as my mom calls it) of vanilla extract.
• Good or not as good chocolate bar to grate up and sprinkle on top.
• 10″ pie crust.

Instructions:

1. Using only 2/3 of the milk that the Jell-O box tells you to use, place the milk in a large bowl.
2. Whisk in Jell-O pudding and stir for two minutes or whatever the Jell-O tells you.
3. After two minutes the pudding will be done, and using less milk made it less runny and more chocolaty, which is better for pie. And probably anything.
4. Put the chocolate pudding into the pie crust.
5. Lick the pudding spoon and bowl.
6. Pour two quarts of heavy whipping cream in another bowl. Doing this in the sink makes slightly less mess.
7. Pour a half cup of sugar and a “glug” of vanilla into the cream.
8. Using a mixer (My mom has a mixer and if you don’t, I do not have alternate instructions for you, sorry. I hope you read this in its entirety before actually putting these things in a bowl.), start mixing the liquid in the bowl. Use the fastest setting on the mixer*.
9. Keep mixing.
10. Ask your mom when to stop mixing.
11. Ok fine, stop mixing when the cream thickens and your mixer starts to struggle a bit in the goo. Taste it to see if it tastes like whipped cream. It should stick on the mixer tongs a bit. If you mix too much, however, it will turn to butter. At least that’s what my mom says**; she always stops me before then because she’s a good person.
12. Slather as much whipped cream on the pie as humanly possible. If you think you’ve put too much, just put a bit more. Think Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Also, please get that joke.
13. Shave some of your good or crappy chocolate bar (I may or may not have used a left-over chocolate Easter bunny leg) using a grater and sprinkle over the top of the whipped cream so it looks like you’re totally pro.
14. Lick mixer tongs and bowl.
15. Present pie to family and/or friends. Accept compliments.

I somehow managed to turn the easiest recipe ever into a fifteen step procedure. That’s ridiculous and I apologize. But now you know. And knowledge, they say, is power.

*Ok, I use the highest setting on my mom’s 1970’s mixer. (Dude, that picture is almost exactly the one she has, weird!) If newer, space-age mixers have, like, a supersonic setting or something that mixes faster than the speed of light, maybe you could go to a medium speed. This is subjective; just mix the shit fast, ok?

**Maybe that’s like how parents tell you that if you sit too close to the tv, you will go cross-eyed? My mom usually doesn’t lie about stuff like that though, so I’ll believe her.

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